2008 Woodie Awards
Visiting the Apocalypse as a Zag
Anthony Lazzaro
Issue date: 11/7/05 Section: Mirth
THE END IS NEAR! Behold, a visionary student sees the horsemen of the apocalypse in our midst. Horseman first: War! I was walking to the Admin the other day when I stopped dead in my tracks. There before me was a rare fur ball of seething hatred, greedily devouring the flesh of (I can only presume) fair lady Zags. Long have we known the power of the squirrel. Our forefathers have engaged in many a battle for the safety and security of our fair cities from these primitive beasts who know nothing but their lust for conquest! Children of Eris, they are yet like Hannibals who rage for destruction and burning; riding on small capybaras they steal our children and put shame to our gods! Therefore my brethren, I say let us lift up our forks and small spades and challenge the foe that has enslaved our fair grasses, burrowed our trees, and made a mockery of our ways! Can you not hear the dolor of the earth? She cries out and trembles for justice, but who will give her peace? Alas, we should rightly fear that if nothing is to be done, then soon the rodents' covetous minds will ravage our heritage and wreak havoc on all who would be free!
Horseman second: Famine! There she rides with sallow face, an emaciated body of what was once our proud mother, she who was called the COG. Yes, it is true that she was once a beautiful goddess of harvest. Now turned to corruption she is made a plague upon mankind. How many times have we gone away convincing ourselves that we were satisfied only to have hunger rack our bodies? What kind of poisons flow from that cup: a cup that we have bought with sweat and price! Who has done this to our mother? Who has disgraced our matron of the culinary arts? I say that the foul parasite Sodexho has done this! In the name of profit and elevator music he has seduced her and sold her into bondage. Like Pharaoh he holds his chains over her heart, selling her strength to create inverted food pyramids and forcing her to draw food stuffs from Lake Arthur to feed to us, her children! However, progress has been made. Our oracle Dorothy has long been the means to hope. She will be our adopted mother until the day when the lord of perdition has been overthrown, for we are her "baybehs" weaned on croutons.
Horseman second: Famine! There she rides with sallow face, an emaciated body of what was once our proud mother, she who was called the COG. Yes, it is true that she was once a beautiful goddess of harvest. Now turned to corruption she is made a plague upon mankind. How many times have we gone away convincing ourselves that we were satisfied only to have hunger rack our bodies? What kind of poisons flow from that cup: a cup that we have bought with sweat and price! Who has done this to our mother? Who has disgraced our matron of the culinary arts? I say that the foul parasite Sodexho has done this! In the name of profit and elevator music he has seduced her and sold her into bondage. Like Pharaoh he holds his chains over her heart, selling her strength to create inverted food pyramids and forcing her to draw food stuffs from Lake Arthur to feed to us, her children! However, progress has been made. Our oracle Dorothy has long been the means to hope. She will be our adopted mother until the day when the lord of perdition has been overthrown, for we are her "baybehs" weaned on croutons.
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